Lily's Story | Navigating the Rollercoaster of Sobriety

What does it look like to choose sobriety before life forces your hand? In this deeply honest conversation, Heather sits down with 20-year-old Lillian Blake, who shares her powerful journey through addiction, early marriage, and the moment that changed everything. What began as “just having fun” slowly became something she couldn’t escape until a wake-up call brought her face-to-face with the life she was losing. 

Together, they explore the hidden realities of addiction at a young age, the pressure of relationships built around drinking, and the quiet courage it takes to walk away from what everyone else is still holding onto. This episode goes beyond sobriety and into identity, self-worth, and the process of learning how to feel, grow, and live again without numbing.

If you’ve ever questioned your habits, struggled to separate who you are from what you’ve been through, or wondered if real change is possible for you, this conversation is a reminder that freedom isn’t something reserved for later in life. It’s available now, if you’re willing to choose it.

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Transcript

Meet Lillian And Her Story

Heather 0:02

Hello, friends, and welcome back to the Free Advantage. I'm your host, Heather Davis, and I want to invite you into a new season of real stories, real recovery, and real freedom. This show has always been about self-discovery, authenticity, and recovering a life of freedom. And this year, we are taking that journey together in a deeper way. You're gonna hear raw, honest conversations with people walking this path in real time. Stories of growth, healing, purpose, and becoming whole. You'll also hear from me as I reflect on these themes that rise from the stories, answer your questions, and offer small, meaningful takeaways that you can carry back into your week. This is not just a podcast you listen to, it's a place you belong where you are part of the conversation. Welcome back, everybody. I am super excited to introduce Lillian Blake. Hi, everybody. I'm super excited. She's coming on to share her story about being 20 years old and a recovering alcoholic. I am super excited you're here. I say I'm super excited every week.

Lily 1:14

It's okay. If it means anything, I was gonna I was gonna start off with how exciting.

Heather 1:19

How exciting to be here. Sean and I last week were talking and I was like, oh my God, I'm super excited. He's like, if you don't say it, then there is, are you really doing the podcast? Yeah. Yeah. So I'm I'm really glad to jump in and get started. Um so yeah, tell us just a little bit about yourself.

Lily 1:34

So I am 20 years old. I got married at 18. Um, throughout the entirety of my teenage life, I was using substances and drinking. Um the very night that I got married, immediately my drinking got worse just because there's new pressures, there's things that I'm not used to. And throughout the first year of my marriage, I mean, it just continued to get worse until I had a very much so wake-up call this time last year that caused me to choose sobriety. And I mean, now we're here.

Heather 2:10

Now you're here.

Lily 2:11

And it's been it's been a crazy ride. And yeah, it's just been my goal now this past year to be healthy and live a life that's true to me instead of true to my addiction.

Married At 18 With Drinking Pressure

Heather 2:23

Yeah, that's that's awesome. I'm I'm really happy that you are willing to come on and share your story. So I wanted to ask a little bit about being married at 18. That is, I was married really young, so I know how it feels, but there's a lot of people out there who are like, wow, married already. Um what was it like getting married so young and then starting a new life and then also dealing with your addiction and with a husband who also is drinking, and kind of what did that kind of first year look like to you guys?

Lily 2:53

So at first I was really confused because I mean, I've always been spiritual and I've always had a relationship with God. And so there was a part of me that knew what we were doing was wrong because it was just, I mean, we had friends over every weekend and we were, I mean, constantly drunk. I mean, all the time. Like there wasn't really a moment that we had together that we weren't drinking. Um, but there was also the thing in my mind of like, oh, well, we're young, you know, his friends are doing it, he's doing it, it's fine, we're having fun. But I definitely think that first getting married as quickly as we did was a lot of pressure. And it kind of had a strain on our relationship for a little bit, but I mean, we both wanted to marry each other. We both loved each other, we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with each other, and we mean we wanted to make that commitment and get married.

Heather 3:48

Now, this, y'all getting married was a choice, right? Because a lot of people are like, oh, we get married young, it's a shotgun wedding, you might be pregnant, but this was a choice y'all just really decided y'all wanted to be together now, right? Instead of waiting. And so that was a little bit different than like having the pressure of needing to or feeling like you had to. Yeah. Um, so I I wanna I want to ask the when you're living in that space, I want to know what the difference was for you. Because if a lot of people looking back and thinking, oh, well, you're kids, you're young, you have fun, you know, people party, you have a good time. That seems like a normal kind of like the growing up, like the little timeline of things that we all kind of do. So for you, what was it like? What was the difference between, oh, this was us being young and having a good time versus like, oh, this is turning into something a little bit more serious than just that?

Lily 4:38

So at first drinking for me was, I mean, whenever I look back on my life, I I feel like alcoholism for me was a development over time. Because even being a kid, you know, I was like, oh well, I'm just having a couple of drinks with my friends. I didn't have to get drunk, I didn't have to have it all the time. But um, it was definitely when I started drinking to not feel anything. I started drinking to cope with things. Um, whenever we had first gotten married, every single weekend he was inviting friends over. And so it was kind of just an obligation for me to drink with them because I'm not going to be the only one in a group full of people who his isn't drinking. And so at first it just started off with, you know, environmental. People were drinking him out around me, you know, might as well join them until it became me having to drink to cope with his lifestyle because he had friends over, they were drunk, everybody was disrespectful. Um, there would be nights where they would spill beer all over the couch, all over the rugs. Um, I was very looked over, and I felt very tricked. Um, because whenever my husband and I were dating, we didn't, we didn't drink that often. I mean, it was very rare that we drank. And so we got married, and it was just kind of like a switch where he had had his own place and he had friends, and so he was gonna invite them over to show them this really cool life that he now has. But the difference definitely set in whenever I realized I couldn't be happy without alcohol. Um, just that's a big difference than just having a very big difference.

The Crash That Ended It

Heather 6:32

Yeah. So, I mean, you think about the strain of, you know, and for those who have been married, they know like you you know what it's like. You you get married, you have all of these added stresses and these pressures of like, well, now we're building a life together, we have our own home, you have all of these things, right? And there's all these different responsibilities. So then you add in taking like, let's say, like a bachelor lifestyle, and then you putting it inside of a marriage can become extremely stressful. Yeah. And um, especially during that kind of time, if you're you're feeling disrespected, you're not feeling seen or heard, and things in your own home, that becomes a much bigger problem than just oh, we're just having friends over and having a good time. So you talked about kind of your whole first year was just kind of that way. And then last year you said you had like, oh, a moment where it was like, oh, you know, this kind of catapulted you into your sobriety. So let's talk about that a little bit.

Lily 7:25

So really funny asked. Um, moral of the story. So I had planned multiple times to get sober because I've always been very self-aware of my emotions and the things that I'm feeling. And I've also just had a little bit of an idea of what is wrong and what's right. So multiple times before my sobriety stuck, I had made the decision to get sober. Like, you know, I'm not gonna drink anymore. This is the last time. And it would last for, you know, a month or two, but then something would happen and I would get upset, and then I would drink. So I had already been sober for maybe, maybe two months, and my brother had come over to my house and he wanted to drink with me. And he was in a really rough spot, he just needed a friend, and so I made the decision, okay, you know, I'm not going anywhere tonight. My husband's gone hanging out with friends, so I'll stay and I'll drink with him. So I get a call from my husband, and he's at a bar, and they no longer have a ride home. I let him know, hey, I've been drinking, I really shouldn't, but he kind of insists, come get me. So I go, I get him, and we end up getting into a car crash. So it wasn't a very bad car crash, but it was enough to wake me up. Um, and not only because it's a you know, I could have killed us, I could have killed my husband, but I have always had a very high expectation for myself. And we pulled into our driveway and my car stopped, and I walked outside and I looked at it, and the first thing that I thought about was wow, this is what my parents bought me. You know, I was 16, they bought me a vehicle, and the only thing I thought about was how disappointing this is because I have now completely totaled something that I love and I cherish. And from there on out, from that night, I never drank again.

Sober At 20 With Friends Drinking

Heather 9:30

Yeah, so that's a that's a that's a big change, right? I th I think that's an interesting thing for you to have that experience to get out and look at something and kind of even in the moment that you're having is having the recognition. And what what an interesting metaphor, right? Because that something was beautiful that you really loved and that you cherished, it had been a gift to you um that through these actions it kind of destroyed it. And the metaphor of like what really addiction can do to your whole life. Yeah. So destroys everything good. It does destroy everything good. Um, you know, I want to talk too about you being so young. So you're talking about I was drinking young, I was doing these things from like really teenage years on now. You know, it's very rare that we come across people who are in their 20s going, oh, I'm a recovering alcoholic, and finding them to be in um, you know, in a state of sobriety. That is not something I see very often. So what is that like being 20 and sober?

Lily 10:28

So parts parts of it are incredible. I mean, looking back in the state that I was, I I mean, I wouldn't trade it for anything, but it can be very hard-keeping relationships. Um it wasn't necessarily a problem whenever I had gotten sober because I didn't really have friends. Um, because my addiction had gotten so bad, I isolated myself from everybody. I wasn't talking to people. I mean, I was just, I stayed at home all day and I had fallen into depression. I just I didn't really have that much of an effect with relationships because I didn't have that many relationships. My husband, however, he had friends and um Right. We have all these friends coming over. You have all these friends coming over and they're all drinking and they're all having a good time. So when my husband decided to get sober, it was probably four or five months where none of them spoke to him like at all. And it's very interesting because a lot of relationships that we have, we don't realize that they're based on a specific thing. So a lot of the relationships that my husband had, it was just solely based around drinking. And so it kind of became very awkward for them to even have a relationship anymore. And I mean, that's kind of what it's like with people my age, it's hard for me to relate to them because they're still, oh, I'm young, you know, I'm having fun. And I think that's that's fantastic, but also now being on the outside of addiction, I look at so many people my age and I can tell the difference. I can tell the difference between people who are having fun and then people who legitimately need it to exist.

Heather 12:23

So the difference between really like, oh, I'm just having a drink, to, you know, having a problem with it, right? Having leading it themselves into addiction. And it's the thing is is addiction runs rampant between alcohol and drugs in our in our society. It's running rampant and it's between, I mean, from very young all the way up. So for us to not, it's I love that you've come on here to even talk about it because so many people we don't want to address it, um, especially people who have gotten sober so young, because look, I mean, I, you know, you see the things that it could cost, costing your your relationships, costing your friendships, and then even and sometimes even family. Right. So, like if you think about what it means for you to be young and to be in that state, the kind of fortitude and the perseverance you're gonna have to have in order to stay sober in your world is very different than somebody like my age would be.

Lily 13:16

That's true. Because all of the friends around you, they don't want to just come over and like hang out. You know, it's not it's sad because it's not like playing board games. No, and it's sad because it's it's also not, you know, hey, let's just go to the mall or hey, let's just go shopping. I mean, it's not like that anymore. No, it is not. And that's the sad thing because I feel like so many kids this age, they're still trying to figure it out. And there's so many things that they haven't necessarily gotten over. They're trying to grow and be independent in a way that they don't even know how to do it yet. And so they're having to compensate for all of this new stress with things like substance abuse and alcohol because they don't know how to be adults yet.

Heather 14:02

Yeah.

Lily 14:02

And so it can't just be a regular hangout because people are even scared to be themselves.

Heather 14:08

Yeah.

Lily 14:08

Right. So so people don't even allow themselves to be their true selves. They have to have alcohol. Well, if I have alcohol, I'll be fun.

Heather 14:16

Well, it is we live in a world where now performance is the natural state. We're constantly trying to perform. We, I mean, your your age grew up on the internet. You grew up with social media. So everything you see is a competition, it's some type of performance. And then having to live with those added pressures, let alone so many kids nowadays are left to their own devices. Like we don't have parents parenting like we used to. So getting into a state where you're searching for something to fill the void, I mean, it's a it's a thing that is it's a it's I mean, that's its own pandemic. Yeah. Um, in the world. So like, I mean, for me, I I commend you for being able to step out and do that in spite of the you know the the adversity you're gonna face just in being sober in in this world that we live in today. It is it's not your parents' sobriety, it's not your parents' sober world like it used to be. Um which is uh it's a whole weird topic on its own. But so how has it been? So it's been what since a year? Yes, a little over a year, maybe now.

Clarity And Learning Emotions Again

Lily 15:24

So it was actually yeah, February of last year. Um, it has been an absolute roller coaster. I'm not going to lie. So the first probably two months of me being sober, it legitimately like my eyes were opened. I had more clarity and more of an idea of what was going on than I had in years. Um now, of course, because I had been using for such a long time, I was so far separated from my emotions and from what I was truly feeling that whenever it was time for me to come back around and deal with things the right way, I had no idea how to. And I mean, that's still something that I'm dealing with today. Um, it took me a really long time to understand why I was feeling the way that I was feeling. Like whenever I was drinking, I didn't get my feelings hurt. You know, I mean, I didn't, I didn't really care what people had to say. I didn't care what you think. And if I did, then I mean, I would be a bitch about it. Yeah, you could just drink some more. Yeah. I'd be angry about it, I would drink more, it didn't matter. But after I had quit drinking and I had realized that certain things were bothering me, I had no idea what to do with it. And even now I'm still trying to figure out okay, how do I deal with this in a productive way that I mean, in a way that I've never dealt with it before. And so again, wouldn't change it for anything because now I know more about myself than I ever have. But it is definitely a challenge.

Heather 17:10

Uh I think that's interesting. It's you learning yourself more now than you ever have. So when you're so young, you don't even, we don't, you don't, we don't, and none of us do. We don't really know who we are because we're growing into who we are going to be. We're growing into who we're going to become. So it when you're in a space where you're already coping with some type of substance in that way, you're not getting to really get to know yourself at all.

Prayer Plus Practical Recovery Tools

Lily 17:35

Well, because you're an artificial person. Right. I mean, that's the scariest thing, is it's you I mean, your brain is still developing, you're still developing new characteristics and you're still experiencing everything for the first time. And so to now you're doing that under alcohol. Exactly. And so, I mean, even your behaviors, your reactions to things, they're not even yours. It's your addiction's reactions to things. Oh, that's and that's why that's why people get so I mean, oh my god, I'm just so stressed out, I'm so overstimulated. Well, it's because you don't deal with it. You know, I mean, we're not really taught to deal with it.

Heather 18:12

Yeah, it's not, we're not, you know, I going through the motions of my own life, I realized I was not taught how to deal or handle with certain things coming from right, a Christian background, growing up in church, you know, our dealing with anything was you just need to pray about it, right? And while yes, prayer is amazing and it and it is something we need to be doing every day, but uh at the same time, like prayer isn't fixing things. Yeah. I need actual tools, I need actual things that I can tangibly use to help me through what I'm doing and what I'm going through because I can't just pray, I just can't pray my addiction away. I can't just pray my trauma away. Right. Um thinking about that, you know, in the space that you're at now, when I talk about recovery, I like yes, we were you're in recovery from an addiction, but we are all in recovery in life, right? The trauma that we experience as we're young. And then you add on those kinds of addictions, and that's kind of the space you're in now, staying in your state of sobriety, but also recovering in life, recovering who you truly are, recovering your authentic self, recovering who you know about yourself and learning and growing into that. Um so what is that when you are in those states? Like I know we talked yesterday, you're like, oh, I feel like I'm just in a state of disillusionment. So talk to me about that a little bit and how that feels because sometimes it is like the roller coaster of wow, I'm doing okay and now I'm not doing really great at all.

Disillusionment And The Need To Grow

Lily 19:43

So here mood swings are going to be a part of life either way. You're gonna have times where you're I've never been better. Oh my gosh, I can't believe this is happening. Opportunity after opportunity is being handed to me, and it seems all great. But there will be times where you're stuck in a waiting period, and it's hard because our position in life is always moving. We had talked about that a little bit, whereas it's like every step, every step, and you never know what your next step is going to look like. There will be times where you'll be in a position in your life of peace, but there will be other times where you'll be in a position of chaos looking for the peace. But there will always be a next step, there will always be a different position. So even though I know like I'm having a hard time right now, is it's like my tolerance level has been low. And it's not necessarily a tolerance that's like I'm angry all the time. It used to be now it's different. Now my tolerance level is somebody says something to me and I'm like, oh, don't cry. Uh, which I've never been that way before. But now I'm learning about myself is I'm sensitive, which is crazy to me because I've always been harsh, I've always been aggressive, I've always been, yeah, well, I'll just, you know, beat your face in because I was just crazy. Now it's at a point where one word and I'm like, okay, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. Because I'm not used to dealing with those things. I've never done it before. And so now I'm in a position where I'm having to learn how to express my feelings in a productive way, whenever I've never had to do it. Whereas the next position I'm in, who knows? Maybe I'll be put in a position where it's like, okay, now you have to stand your ground. You know, I mean that's right. And now you'll be learning how to do that in the world. And you'll be learning how to do that. And that's the hard thing about life is it's, you know, we get into this state where it's just like, why am I not here yet? Why am I not here yet? But the second that you stop moving, the second that you stop growing, you've stopped living. And so I get upset all the time because I'm like, why am I not here yet? But the area that I'm looking at is the end. Yeah. And I still have an entire life before I get there. And if I stop growing, then that means I've stopped living. If I've stopped being confused about ice, it's happening. Yeah. Then things have stopped happening. And so I mean, I guess that's just I just have to find peace in my circumstances, knowing that my circumstances will change.

Heather 22:25

It's you know, people say it all the time, and you talk about like the, you know, the trending. This is trending, where I think like the words like awareness and mindfulness and growth and all of these things kind of like trending words, or they're like, you know, they're the I can't even think of the word for it, but like they're the real popular words. Yeah. My they're relative right now. Right. Yeah. And we hear them all the time. And I don't, I I agree with all of those things. I think all of those things are really wonderful. But at the same time, we hear them so much that they start to take on a whole different facet of life. Right. So when you're in that space now, like I think it is part of that, right? Being become you're becoming more aware of who you really are. And you're like, oh, I'm sensitive. You're like, where did that come from? And I'm like, oh, well, you've probably already always been this way. But you've been numbing so long that any you were numbing before you would allow yourself to feel sensitive, right? And so when you do, you get angry, you get upset. It's easier to be more agitated because it's easier for us to stand up in that way. Um, I've talked about it before that anger is always a masking emotion um because it hides vulnerability. Yeah. Wherever that is, it could be it could be sensitivity, it could be um shame, it could be just a multitude of things. But so now that you're coming out of that, learning how to handle that because you might be, you might feel ultra sensitive right now, right? Because you've not learned how to cope and use that. And all of our emotions when they show up is learning how to use them appropriately for us and how that works for us in our circumstances. And if you're in that space now, right? Like you said, oh, when if I do have to stand my ground, I'm gonna have to learn how to do that in a different way. So, I mean, you think about now as even in the struggle, like reminding yourself that, hey, like it's the journey. Yeah. Right. And that's one of the things I was gonna say about the awareness and all the like key words we hear all the time. But it is the process that we're living, it is the journey that we're on that is important. You know, if we get so focused on the end that we lose sight of what's going on with us, right? And like we start shaming ourselves and judging ourselves or like, well, why haven't I achieved this? Why am I not there yet? And it puts us kind of in a place where we can feel hopeless, right? Like, oh, I'm never gonna get there. I, you know, I'm it's never gonna happen, you know, and then it turns into the self-worth issues that we all have, like I'm not good enough or I don't deserve it. When the truth is it has nothing to do with any of that, yeah, right? It's just is just the journey that we're on, and we have to, we have to walk it. You know, we can't take 20 steps to get to the end of the road. We have to take each one of those steps to get there.

Lily 25:04

And the crazy thing is, I mean, that's what addiction does. So you're constantly walking, it's been proven, the second you start using your brain just stops. Your mental develop it just stops. And so I think that's one of the most I mean, there's been people that to say it all the time is it's like the worst thing you can do is stop moving. You know, it's okay if you go backwards, it's okay if you go forwards, but when you stop moving, that's when it gets scary. And that's the thing about addiction. It just stops, it stops everything, it stops growth, it stops development, it stops you from walking and moving forward. And so, I mean, you get stuck. I look around at all of the people that I have in my life, and I mean, I okay, for example, so I have a friend, and we've been over the years friends, not friends, friends, not friends. And every single time I become this girl's friend again, she always asks me, why are you always different? Every time, every time I come and I see you and we're friends again, you're different. And it makes me a little sad when I see people over a long period of time and they're exactly the same. Exactly the same, exactly the same. And it's so sad to me because if you're not moving, then you're not growing, you're not living. I mean, like, that's the whole purpose. And that's another thing, is it's like, you know, I've always had really high standards on myself, and so it's like, well, you have to do this, you have to amount to this. But something that I'm learning is it's like, no, do you have just keep going? Yeah. I mean, that's all you have to do. You just have to keep going. Yeah.

Recovery Coach Training As Rehab

Heather 26:44

Yeah. I think that it's a it's a really good, it's a really good statement, is that to to keep moving as you keep growing. You know, when you start, this is this is also a big thing that people struggle with when they do start stepping out and they do start like focusing on their growth and trying to work on some personal development. And this is gonna be in any facet, right? Whether we're it's in our personal lives, whether it's in our spiritual lives, um, even sometimes when it's in education, you know, uh Sean and Austin have talked about when they have gone off into the military, um, which I was just talking to my son-in-law about it. When you leave, when you come back, it's gonna feel very weird because you are exponentially pushing your growth a lot faster, then you're gonna come back home. And a lot of things are gonna feel the same. And it's gonna be weird because you're not gonna know what to do with it. It's shocking. It is shocking. Yeah, because not everybody spends every waking moment focused on that. And, you know, especially when you're in the military, that's all they do with you. But in our lives, when you start to choose to walk down that path, I remember when I choose to start working on myself in that way, it was crazy. I felt so far removed from even just my family members, um, let alone friends. And and I was like, okay, how do I bridge that gap? And sometimes you can't. Sometimes you can't, because what you're trying to do is you want to pull them along. Right. But everybody has to move in their own space, in their own timing, and then having to be able to sit with that and understand that and have grace for that and empathy for where they are because you know, we used to be there. And we have our moments where it took and pushed us into a place where we're now we're in a space where we are growing, but it's very much like that, right? It's not that you're not in the perfectionism that you mentioned, right? That I need to be here, I need to do this, and and really it's not, it's just to keep moving forward, right? Not to keep planting our feet in the same in the same place and never allowing ourselves to move forward. So when your friend's like, oh wow, you're so different, it's because you've grown. Yeah. Right. Um, so I know that you went to school and you got your recovery certification. You are a professional recovery coach.

Self Worth Identity And Willingness

Lily 28:56

What did that feel like when you went through that process? So it's funny because, and I've talked about a little bit more about getting more education, and it's really funny because I I don't I didn't really do it for the certification. Um I mean, you did it, and a couple of other people around me did it, and their goals were well, we're gonna apply this. And it's funny because I had probably been sober two months, and then I decided to do it. And one of the reasons why I wanted to do it is because I wanted to know what was happening in my brain. Like neurologically, I wanted to know how much effect alcohol had on me. And so I didn't go to rehab. I was just kind of like, I'm sober now. I didn't go to rehab. So to me, doing the recovery courses was me learning about how to recover for me. So it's kind of like your rehab. It was my, it was my rehab. Like I, I mean, and we were all learning the same things at the same time, you know? And I had a community of people to help me and to support me, but we were all there. I mean, we had all gotten sober and started this journey all at the same time. And so I didn't really have the professional help that I needed. And so my parents had brought up to me um them enrolling in the course and Heather enrolling in the course. And the only reason why I did it was because I wanted to be educated on what was happening and I wanted to know because I mean I was going crazy at the time. You know, I'm having all of these feelings and I don't know what to do with them. And then it's funny because the amount of things that you learn, you're like, oh, that's why I was that way. That's why I did those things, you know, because you drink and you make really stupid decisions, and then you learn as it's like, oh, because this is why. There were legitimately parts of my brain that were inactive. And so whenever I was regaining those things in sobriety, I wanted to know what was happening to me. And so that was really the main reason why I had taken my recovery course.

Heather 31:10

Now, if you could give any not I'm not, I mean, I would love any advice or suggestion to anybody out there who is young and is going either through their own addictions, doesn't know how to get sober, doesn't know how to get clean, doesn't know how to get help, or is walking that path, is trying to walk away from it and being in the state that they're in and the age that they are, and any advice or suggestion that you have, or and maybe any tools that you use that make it be very helpful.

Lily 31:42

So one thing that was so hard for me to get over was being extremely hateful to myself. Like that, I believe, is one of the reasons why I stayed in addiction for such a long time. Because I would get sober and then things would happen around me, and I'd be like, I deserve it. Yeah, that checks. It'll never get better. This is just my life. Like, I mean, you just kind of accept what's happening around you. And so I think something that I'll say is the whole time, I mean, even in addiction, is it's like whenever I had first gotten sober, I wasn't just all of a sudden like, I never want to drink again. I mean, even whenever I had gotten sober, things would happen and I would be like, I mean, I would be debating, you know, is this worth giving this up for? Because I was still in a frame of mind of, I mean, you're not gonna get better. This is who you are. And so removing, let me see how I'm gonna say this. Separating your identity from addiction is extremely important because if you place your identity in addiction, then you are placing your identity in destruction. Okay. And so you drink, all right, you think you feel better, you don't. You don't feel better because you're going to do things, first of all, that you hate. You're going to find yourself in a space where you don't like yourself even more. And it fuels it. It fuels it cycle. Absolutely. It fuels it, especially if you, I mean, you're an emotional person like me. I didn't think I was an emotional person, but I was, and I am. And so, I mean, something would happen, and I'm also impulsive. And so I'd be like, okay, screw it. Yeah, I'm gonna get drunk. And I think it's extremely important to recognize your worth and recognize it in a way where it's just like, no, I am better than that, because there's going to be people around you who dumb it down and oh, you know, it's just a drink, whatever. But you have to understand that you're different and you know you're different. Like you can actively tell what alcohol is doing to your brain and what substances are doing to your brain. Because it means it's the same thing with like I used to smoke weed. Some kids would be able to smoke on the weekends. I would not be. I would smoke every single day because I have an addictive personality. And while I'm in that, I know it's a problem. Okay, it's not it's not a problem of unawareness, it's a problem of unwillingness. Okay, so you have to be willing to do better for your life because you want better, right? But you're not willing to do what it takes to get better. And so I think that that's definitely something to focus on, is it's not only having the understanding, you know, this isn't good for me, but it's also getting yourself to a point where you're able to where you're willing to give it up and you're willing to choose yourself over alcohol, and not only choose yourself over alcohol, but choose yourself over your friends who want you to be drinking with them.

Letting Go With Faith

Heather 35:09

Interesting. How did, you know, we I talk about willingness on here a lot, you know, even you know, I say it every time at the end of the at the end of the podcast, right? It it that you know, freedom is the advantage you own, right? It is something that you already have access to. You know, uh we talk about your our spirituality, but that we have that freedom in Christ. We have the the ability to walk free from all of the things, not just addiction, but the trauma that we have experienced and things that have happened, things that we have done, that there is freedom out there, but you have to be willing to grab a hold of it and take it. You have to be willing to do the things that it takes in order for you to have it. And it's the same thing you're talking about. Um, you know, when you think about that willingness, how much does your own relationship with God, how much does your spirituality play into that for you?

Lily 36:00

So something that I've had to learn to do was to hand things over, um, especially right after I had chosen to get sober. So the way that I had already always dealt with stress and always dealt with anger, frustration, I mean everything I would drink or I would smoke. Um, I also had an extreme vaping problem, a vaping addiction, which was, my gosh, probably the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. Um, but whenever I had gotten sober, I was still trying to deal with my life in my own power. So arguments with my husband is it's like, well, I can fix this. Well, you know, I can fix this because I'm in a better place now. And it's really hard because I've had to learn something, which is really awful, and I'm still working on it. But if we put ourselves in a position where we're like, well, I have to do this, I need to do this, I mean, it's not coming from a place of taking accountability. Most time it's coming from a place of pride. At least that's where I would be coming from. If something would go wrong in my life, I would look at it and be like, okay, well, it's my job to fix it. Well, it's not my job to fix anything. It's my job simply to move forward. And so something that I had to do whenever I had first gotten sober was give it to God. And, you know, people ask me all the time, it's like, well, how do you even do that? You know, how do you like it's hard. It's hard to give something to God. And I can sit here and be like, God, I give it to you, and then five seconds later worry about it. Yeah. But first it comes with manifesting it with your words, right? Is it's like, God, I I give this to you. I give this to you. And not only giving it to him, but asking him to give you the strength to not pick it back up and to give you the faith to not pick it back up. Because any ounce of worry, any ounce of fear, that is a really, I mean, you're picking it back up. It's a part of not being able to let that go. And so, um a completely blanked.

Journaling As A Recovery Tool

Heather 38:15

No, that's fine. Yeah. You know, you talk about the letting go, and it I know that there's a lot of people out there who have their different ideas and their different beliefs about about God and about it is, but whatever it is, whatever your higher power is, is to reach out and grab that, right? And learning how to give over to something that is healthy in our lives and letting go of all of these unhealthy things. Um I go back to um, I go back to when I had some another guest on the show that she'd always talked about when you live in such a toxic place for so long that when you move out of it into a healthy place that you don't know how to be. You don't know how to live in that space. Yeah. Right. And so you learning how to let go of the toxic things that we've held on to, like you talk about the fear and the worry and the concern and and the pride, and ultimately it's the control, right? And that's addiction has a lot to do with control, right? And we think we're controlling it, but ultimately it's controlling us. And without that, we get into this space outside of it where you're having to learn how to relinquish all of that kind of control. And that is going back to the being willing, it's being willing to do that. You know, I know we had had a conversation and you used to write a lot, and you're like, I haven't written in a while, and it's hard for you to get back to that place or find that with yourself. And I wanted to talk about that just for a little bit because I remember in the very beginning of your sobriety walk, you were doing nothing but writing. Like I remember walking around and seeing you, like you were never without a notepad everywhere you went. If we were at dro we drove in the car one day and you were just constantly writing. And part of that for for me on the outside looking in was watching you kind of reconnect back to yourself and to God from a space where you had been so far removed from those things because you're being numbed. Yeah. Right. And how did writing a lot help you? Was that a tool that you used a lot during that time versus now?

Lily 40:22

So anytime that I would write, it's very interesting because I would have thoughts that I knew I could apply to other people. And so a lot of it was, I believe, the Holy Spirit opening my eyes and opening my mind to more things that had happened. Um, I remember the time that you're talking about whenever we were in the car, and I was actually writing about addiction, and I had written that addiction is a cell with an open door. But you choose to stay in your own prison.

Heather 40:56

Wow.

Lily 40:56

And there were so many things just like that that I would write out because I was being shown the position that I was in so that I could be pushed towards the position that I was supposed to be in. So I think a lot of it was giving me awareness on what my life was. And I think it was also giving me information and insight because of where my life was going to be at. So, like one of the things, I mean, it was just constant that I constantly thought about. There's also a scripture where it talks about um a dog going back to his vomit. And that was something that I would constantly think about is it's, you know, you know what this is gonna do. And so it's funny, I actually just had a thought because we were talking about um oh, sorry. Um, I was thinking about faith, or I was thinking about willingness. And so it's interesting because whenever we were talking about God just a second ago, and it came to my mind, it's funny because whenever we think about giving something to God, okay, and it's like you have to have faith, you have to have willingness, it's not necessarily that we have a lack of it, but it's that it's misplaced. So whenever I was just thinking about this and I was thinking about alcohol, anytime that I would drink, it was a faith in it that, you know, oh, well, this will make me feel better. Yeah. This will make it better. And so now that I'm really thinking about it, it's not that we lack willingness, but it's misdirected.

Heather 42:19

Okay.

Lily 42:19

So I'm willing to get drunk, but I'm not willing to bring my problems to God. I'll have faith that alcohol will make me feel better, but I won't have faith that God is in control. Yeah. And so that's good. That's very interesting. Because that just came to my mind because I was trying to find an answer of kind of like, you know, how do you attain willingness? But it's interesting because you don't. You don't attain willingness. You're you're always willing, you know. You're willing to do something. You're willing to do something, just what is it that you're willing to do? And so that just came to my mind. And 100% definitely on writing. It absolutely helped. And not only did it help me get a clearer understanding of where I was, but it gave me a very clear understanding that God never left. Yeah. Because every single thing that I was hearing is it's like, yeah, I saw it. I was there and I knew what it was. And now that your eyes are open and you're willing to hear, you're willing to listen. Now you're willing to listen, I will tell you.

Final Warnings And Closing

Heather 43:23

So that's awesome. Um, you know, writing is a huge tool that I use every day. I talk about it a lot on here. Um, it helps us to kind of get um out of our subconscious and the things that kind of linger and stay within us, the things that we do know, right? I think we all have the answers for ourselves within us. And sometimes it's trying to get back to that or find a way through all of the mess to get to the right answers for ourselves. So um, yeah, I think that that's great. Is there anything else you would like to say to the people out there? One last question.

Lily 44:01

One last word. Don't rely on others to tell you who you are. That is big. That is really big. Um yeah, because they don't know you. Right? I mean, we're all we're all kind of selfish. And so people will tell you what it is that will work best for them, for them, especially when you're in addiction. Because again, it's not that you're unaware, but it's that you're unwilling. Okay. And the people around you, they're also not unaware. They see it, they know it, and a lot of people will take advantage of it, especially if they continue to let you destruct your to self-destruct. So definitely, definitely be careful on misery loves company. Yeah, misery loves company. And so if you have friends that continue, oh no, it's fine. No, it's fine. Real friends will not let you ruin your life. So that's good. That's good.

Heather 45:00

Lily, thank you so much for joining me today. I loved having you on here. Maybe I'll have her again. Maybe I'll have her come on again and talk. And what there's Lord knows there's enough, there's enough things we can talk about all day long. Guys, I just want to thank you so much for joining us today. And I want you to remember, no matter where you have been, no matter what you have done, no matter what you have experienced or what you have gone through, that freedom is the advantage that you already own if you're just willing to reach out and grab it. Thank you guys. I'll see you next time.